HOMEWARDBOUND AND STRANDED

Got stranded in korukonda railway station, vizianagaram district at 1am. Fell asleep in the last leg of my journey from vijayawada to vizag and had to get down out of a moving train at korukonda only to be enlightened that no passenger trains stop there at nights. Im literally stranded with two station staff and three mongrels who growl at every moment of mine and a tiny british cottage a pathetic excuse for a station but picture perfect to me. The dim lights, the occasional ding of a bell of the archaic machinery has transported me back to the bygone times, truly a beautiful experience. Its all in your perspective. To compliment the ambience there is an Avery weighing machine from 1892 in the station and it had a stamp that said it was the property of the erstwhile Bengal Nagpur Railway. Wish I had a camera with me to capture the moment. Tomorrow I may not even remember this moment, but as of now Im thoroughly soaking in every sight and sound. Life is so fascinating especially when you are in love.

I'd giv nythin 2 c u again

This is one of my favourite songs which truly captures my anguish

I've had bad dreams too many times,

to think that they don't mean much any more.

Fine times have gone and left my sad home,

friends who once cared just walk out my door.

Love has no pride when I call out your name.

Love has no pride when there's no one left to blame.

I'd give anything to see you again.

I've been alone too many nights

to think that you could come back again.

But I've heard you talk: "He's crazy to stay."

But this love hurts me so, I don't care what you say.

If I could buy your love, I'd truly try my friend.

And if I could pray, my prayer would never end.

But if you want me to beg, I'll fall down on my knees;

asking for you to come back...

I'd be pleading for you to come back...

beggin for you to come back to me.

dreams are my reality

If ever there was a hope

I found it in you

But the way you bowed down

to this earthly race

has left me broken

and killed my last breath

now I live dead in you

an autumn leaf a rolling stone

Ill stop the day my life ends

like the wind and the brooks

Till then my journey continues

no place to go no hope to cling

and this poem fades soft as it began

the only hope i have is in you

false hopes

im gonna ride the sorrow railroad

down to that gloomy yonder town

time called and you never did hold

its down the track for me alone

The wheels lost their rhythm

the meadows their smells

its all soot and smoke

with tears that run and choke

i know it aint easy

to let you go

but time is just that way

never hears the plans we share

and the little secrets we hold

nor does see the dreams

or the future we foretold

I know its gonna be lonely

down to the end of the line

but ill hold on for i know

youll be waiting there for me

ill kiss your sweet face

promise never to let you go

for time can never touch us

nor does sorrow cold

for Ill have you in my heart

and there aint no place for more

LONGING

Eternal silence

Tender soft and sweet

In the darkness silently creep

To my stead for me

Sweet are the last gulps of breathe

Sweet are life's memories too

But don't let me turn back

for theres nothing left to be true

My life's been wasted

and my love too

Now here I wait

To hear thy muffled footsteps

To discern thy shape in the darkness

and the glint of thy scythe

Conceal me in thy mighty embrace

and as you leave

Let me go with you

BEAUTY OF A TEAR

Every word here is a lie
for truth is never told with beautiful words
Every tear "disappears" it exists in oblivion
for theres no beauty in its existance
Only sunny days and blooming flowers
ever capture the imagination
gloomy days and streaky cheeks
never find the light of words
for who finds beauty in suffering


Life is a race from the word go
to escape death and pain
knowing not ironically its just a trap
we end up in their embrace
while running away from them
only "fools" stay back to touch and feel
death and pain are just as real
Feel for they stop being what they are
and become just a part of life
In the quest for the meaning of life
and life after death
everybody loses perspective
while fools die a peaceful death
the enlightened turn in their graves
for not being fools

down the road

My heart succumbed

to a lonely open road

like tender to fire

a melancholic fancy

for a glowing death

traversing ignoring the doom

that awaits at the end

stopping at every corner every turn

reliving the memories that hide

behind milestones tantalisingly

every mile marker

a pain a pleasure

upto you to stop and hold

or let them dissapear

in the darkness following you

DOWN THE ROAD

every lonely heart succumbs

a lonely open road

midnight showers

ive been waiting for some rain for two days now but it looks like its not gonna happen anytime soon. i love rainy nights. nights make me feel like that it is raining just for my happiness. to get drenched, smelling the sweet smell of the earth and then feeling that all that is just for you is heady and it makes me all poetic and religious. common i never said i dont believe in God. i had a beautiful drive back home just me and the empty road in the rain. well i got a bonus with the rain, empty roads, the normally busy beach road looked deserted and did i tell you loneliness makes me feel that the whole world and all its beauty has been created for me?...... i love a rainy night such a wonderful sight..... wish it would atleast tomorrow

the emptiness hurts my senses

Not a cloud on the horizon
Yet not a sun in my skies
My moon weathered away
and my last star streaked out
The dust dissapears from under my feet
and Im suspended in emptiness
My only hope is the darkness of the void
with which my heart still holds
going beyond the end the moment it loses
Where unembraced love finds solace in eternal silence

Even a broken clock gets to be right twice a day

The irony of life is people try to influence you to become something in life but they never have the faintest idea of what they are asking you to do, and just because you love them and wait for instructions to do what they want to do they think you are a loser and they need to change you by doing things that scar you for the rest of your life,making you think was it really worth it that you thought about them in the first place and the answer is a bitter no that reverberates through your senses and shakes you to the core. If inflicting pain can change people then it will definitely change but not me because I dont want to lose in life one more time just because you wanted me to just because you dont have the faintest idea of what next to do with my life and hence blame me for being a failure. I'd rather die trying.

enlightenment "out of the world kind"

If there is one thing that hasnt changed since I last posted on this blog its my madness infact it has exponentially increased and contributes to the general chaos in my life which is necessary for my existance since everything ordinary appears unsubstantial to me. Every day is "lights on, camera, action " for me where everybody puts up a show either for my benefit or i put up a show to tell them i dont even remotely recognise their antics. But over the years no matter what idiotic things i did intentionaly or unintentionally I've realized that Ive never strayed away from being true to what I wanted to do to the people I love. Maybe I've never been true to myself and now in retrospection life was worth living and being true to myself is loving when and whom and what i wanted rather than loving what someone else wanted me to love. Realization in my context is a cruel thing it hits me right when i Im down and i can do nothing about something. Life has always been about those "tumki" (all rights reserved) revelations you get when you are with people who look shallow at the first sight but have a geat insight into life and are more benevolent and sweet than temple and church going people who appear pious and down to earth but are actually trying to get the next bigger better deal.

I've had my 26th bday popup and i went on a long ride and a gruelling introspection revealed that escapism is no way to live so here i am wiser with a few hairs lost to sleepless nights and a job that gives me a sunshine every midnight, an oppurtunity to revel in love that I've so far faked for people (read as my mom et. al.) with people i hated the most around me. Life is a journey and along with making sacrifices for the people I love I"ve added another thought to influence my every action from now on and that is "of what worth is it when you just leave the things that you love just because you think you cant fight back or just because time and money dictate that its against their will to let you revel in a companionship that youve till now faked never existed for the benefit of people who wanted such a thing to happen."

On a more sober philosophical note we all seem to pray to Gods and Godesses who find our prayers and offerings appealing and then blindly insist on executing their will without the slightest regard for what we plead or beg for. Its funny that we tell ourselves everything works out for our good, we always get something better than what we have lost now but why is that we never ask ourselves that the almighty can never turn what we like into something good too for us and make changes in his will so that he can include what we like to work out for us?. this leaves me with 3 possibilities either 1) God doesnt care what we ask for, its just that we inherently owe him and he is least liable to give us what we ask for 2) We give up too early because we never really cared for it in the first place and had second options ready as we doubt him and change our priorities in he first hint of a failure (common who wants to be a "failure" and for a life time? a definite no no for life here is all about being successful idiots and nitwits who give in to paper to whom we ourselves have attributed value to) 3) God is just a figment of our imagination to whom we attribute all super powers and see him as a miracle maker when in reality he doesnt involve in earthly affairs and just lets us depend on our wits and conscience to make it through this worldly life and then judges accordingly and compensates appropriately in which case I'd rather die trying for something that I really love than live a lie. I dont want my epitaph to read "wonderful human being, a good husband and a caring father but a liar unto himself" I'd rather have my epitaph read "packet returned unopened. p.s: no takers"

Call me selfish if you will I dont want to tell the truth for I really know I've been true to the thought that A sacrifice for the people you love is worth even if it costs a life i dont blame people for misunderstanding me. My life did make ambiguous statements for the benefit of my mom i paid the price and moving on in my life only means following my new revelation "of what worth is it when you just leave the things that you love just because you think you cant fight back or just because time and money dictate that its against their will to let you revel in a companionship that youve till now faked never existed for the benefit of people who wanted such a thing to happen.". I know Im fighting a losing battle but the almighty can never judge me for Ive been no coward, been true to myself and most of all he didnt find a place for my thoughts in his will. Unworthy i may be I am still standing and fighting for i know i lose the day i give up and i hope he realizes that a competent adversary is better than an incompetent friend. I rest my case.................

miseries of a misfit

What extremes do we go for a better life?. I went to Hyderabad to attend the IELTS examination and i had an inner awakening an awakening that was brought about by the sensory input ranging from what I'm used to, to the insane, at the fringes of my perception.
To begin with the train ride was beautiful as always especially the section from nidadhavol which was unelectrified and hence needed a diesel engine just like the old times. I'm a total sucker for anything that moves on rails. i woke up to a glorious morning as my train was pulling into secunderabad. I got a room for a measly 200 ru which was remarkably clean and would have been too small for comfort for anyone else other than me. I dont know why i feel claustrophobic in a park with people around but sleep peacefully in a matchbox now thats a thinker for you to figure out. the room ended where it began near the door.
Secunderabad was a riot of colours and smells with navratri around but i believe it would have been the same on any day with crowds of people everywhere. The first few hours were overwhelming to my senses but gradually it grew on me and by the second day i was comfortable enough to try the MMTS train but they shoved me off the train or maybe I was'nt hyderabadi enough to secure a foothold on the train.
The most beautiful thing about hyderabad was the number of choices the consumers had from roadside knick knack selling hawkers to billion dollar car showrooms, it had the extremes and everything inbetween. the people there were ready to seize any oppurtunity to sell something that would otherwise seem foolish, like the guy who tried to sell me a surgical mask as protection for swine flu now thats what i call enterpreneurship and those guys dont need any fancy degree to survive and thrive, they are more shrewd than all of the billionares in this world combined case in point i got me a fancy belt for 80 ru which was actually offered for 160 ru and nothing less. By day two i was enjoying myself after partially regaining my senses which were shutdown by the sensory overload but living and working in a city like that is a big no no for me. as of now I'm quite pleased with my humble abode.
Tomorrow I'll be distributing my resume in the hopes of getting a job. On that note I'll take leave and very queerly i made myself a list "things to buy" though it has only one thing on it right now a DSLR camera till then happy grainy pictures.

the light at the end of the tunnel ..... could be a train

One of my so called friends told me that everything doesn't work out the way we want them to be and all that they have done till now is to teach me that life is not as good as it seems and this they wanted to teach a guy who was mugged for a pittance beaten for being a shade of black and who tried to cut hair for a living. great going guys and for all the positive people out there the light at the end of the tunnel could be a train for all you know and it ain"t that positive unless you are waiting for it
Destiny works out in strange ways and in my life it has worked out in ways that it itself can never comprehend just like my heart doing things for reasons that reasons can never understand. Coming to all the things that have happened just like i wished, I've realized that nothing substantial have happened and i don't know what i lack in, that deters destiny from doing what i want, now destiny is proving to be too fickle than my concentration spans.

if only tears were laughter if only night was day if only prayers were answered..............

Had a hard time sleeping. people don't be so judgmental please i really don't care if you want to think so but i think i have the right to defend myself. I'm no God to understand something without somebody telling it and after feeling betrayed do you really think i can believe someone when they try to convey me something through secret signs (that includes my parents) i mean when I don't really know what their intentions are? (is it for hurting me to change me or to help me?).

I'd rather show the world that I'm happy to get hurt by someone whom i know will hurt me than by someone whose intentions i never know could make out.

Nobody tells me anything and people start acting strangely around me and now they think i know everything seriously people how can you be so biased cut me some slack here will you?. there was very little i knew and that was by guesswork and that very little was not so believable to me because even my most trusted friend, brother acted strangely. I don't know how many people I have hurt in this process but I was hurt the most and if you still insist on doing that go ahead you cant kill a dead donkey.

people one last time you tell me something I'll believe it, you don't i don't and there is very little left in me that pleads me to be sane and rational. with all of you around i found solace in people whom i had only memories of. maybe everyone isn't like me in getting hurt in order to prove my love or adoration.

How hard is it for you to understand that no one ever told me anything and i knew nothing and even with my guesswork i wasn't ready to believe after all that has happened even now i have problems but i go on because any pleas i make will fall on deaf ears and all you people out there are hell bent on accomplishing a benevolent task of helping me finding my footing but that seems to have cost more than it ever required thanks to your understanding and my foolishness in thinking that just because you talk to me makes you believable just because you act like you care makes you trustworthy. I understand that you are not so cheap as to make ambiguous statements its me who foolishly misunderstands them. God help me If ever there is one.

this blog here has done me much good than any of my friends combined and once i make my thoughts clear ill act as required apparently some of my family members respect me because of my age i never realized that I've grown so old. and everyone will get their returns i swear by my heart. i love you bloggy and forgot telling you talking here has brought remarkable revelations than talking to any of my deaf friends I rest my case life has never been so gloomy I mean beautiful.

its only words and words are all i have

Had a hard time sleeping. people don't be so judgmental please i really don't care if you want to think so but i think i have the right to defend myself. I'm no God to understand something without somebody telling it and after feeling betrayed do you really think i can believe someone when they try to convey me something through secret signs (that includes my parents) i mean when I dont really know what their intentions are? (is it for hurting me to change me or to help me?).

I'd rather show the world that im happy to be cheated by someone whom i know will cheat me than by someone whose intentions i never know (revenge or hurting me?).

Nobody tells me anything and people start acting strangely around me and now they think i know everything seriously people how can you be so biased cut me some slack here will you?. there was very little i knew and that was by guesswork and that very little was not so believable to me because even my most trusted friend, brother acted strangely. I dont know how many people I have hurted in this process but I was hurt the most and if you still insist on doing that go ahead you cant kill a dead donkey.

people one last time you tell me something I'll believe it, you dont i dont and there is very little left in me that pleads me to be sane and rational. with all of you around i found solace in people whom i had only memories of. maybe everyone isnt like me in getting hurt in order to prove my love or adoration.

How hard is it for you to understand that noone ever told me anything and i knew nothing and even with my guesswork i wasnt ready to believe after all that has happened even now i have problems but i go on because any pleas i make will fall on deaf ears and all you people out there are hell bent on accomplishing a benevolent task of helping me finding my footing but that seems to have cost more than it ever required thanks to your understanding and my foolishness in thinking that just because you talk to me makes you believable just because you act like you care makes you trustworthy. I understand that you are not so cheap as to make ambiguous statements its me who foolishly misunderstands them. God help me If ever there is one.

if and only if

Going by the fact that this blog here affects my life in a gazillion ways than one, like the celestial bodies above and the entrails of a duck I might have to sacrifice literary brilliance for political correctness for the kind perusal of my benefactors. so here goes............

..............................the poem ends soft as it began
I love my friend.....................................................

and I'vent got much left in my head except for periods of blankness that encompasses everything though weird, for my mind never stays still I find it comforting as I'm unintentionally shutting out this world. every darkest night has a shining ray every endless night has a dawning day and it shines on you ..........well I'm not able to see that............

we live twice once in the moment and the other in retrospection

It is so wonderful to be alive, kicking, throbbing and fighting to take in those ever evading gulps of breath that sustain your myriad of thoughts and emotions and to feel those beautiful raindrops on your head that remind you time and again there is one more reason to live. Life so fascinates me that it appears worthwhile living with all its inherent sadness, problems (my bottle ran dry and i haven't got a single penny on me) difficulties. I rest my case and I think this answers my hanging onto life in spite of the ever looming death and mankind's funny fancy for death. I don't know why my parents have retained my internet connection but its like retaining the last connection i have with this world my last ray of hope and lifeline.

Coming to my so called "friends" They think that you stop loving someone just because that someone has small boobs or belongs to some caste etc people people if i was that shallow i wouldn't have given you so many chances to make fun of me again and again.

Speaking for myself, maybe we never stop loving someone we just stop showing it because we feel betrayed, used, being made fun of or maybe when we realize that people want it to be expressed even when they have no idea of acknowledging it.

Coming to my parents If hurting changes me I think I've changed a long time ago when promises were'nt kept or when i was forced to confess things that i neither knew existed nor knew the meaning of. I have no more tears to cry or space left for me to change. All i have is a wretched life that is gasping for sustenance. I had a secret longing that the people I loved and believed in, acknowledged me as I am, alas those hopes have been dashed too. Everyone has the intelligence to arrange for a reply for everything i write here but are not intelligent enough to understand their own friend/brother/son. I've got nothing more to say except that everything that has happened will never be forgotten nor will anybody be forgiven as life for me is lived twice once in the moment and the other in retrospection. I've got no more tears to cry and all i can do is retaliate for all these years of sorrow that I've masked with plastic smiles in the hopes of finding atleast one person true to my heart that i can confide in.

Dear parents I know I failed you, I know i let you down, I know I'm a disgrace to your family and an abomination to your religion in many ways than one but you should be ashamed of yourselves in trying to manipulate me by using religion or by using women to lure me to do something, that shows your integrity, how low you can stoop, bend the rules and make fun of your own beliefs. I know I'm not perfect but at least i don't make fun of what i believe in.

I don't know what keeps me going with all the emotional turmoil I go through everyday but its doing a good job of prolonging a few more moments of my wretched life and I'm soaking in every moment even with all the tears for I know not when this suffering ends and I'm no fool to "move on" in life and lose its very essence and even with all my tears (men aren't supposed to cry?) I have to grudgingly agree that life is beautiful no matter what.

................the poem ends soft as it began
I loved my friend....................

my past is my present so I've nothing left for my future.

Probably this will be my last post from the protective confines of my room. Apparently the work to be done by my parents and their hoodlums seems to have reached its end and so they have decided to cut off my internet connection (citing exorbitant costs and illegitimate billing).

Stooping low to conquer is a good thing as long as your goal is in view. The entire thing starts to look foolish once you lose sight of your goal but keep on reaching newer levels of lower heights without realizing that you've actually lost the main purpose of your mission.

Life is not so promising in the future when you consider the perspective of my so called elders, yet everybody keeps repeating that pt is in much demand nowadays. what do you do when the last remnant people whom you think are on your side also betray you?.

The funniest thing in this whole sequence of events was the way everybody who were more "mature" than me ranging from my seniors to my classmates acted like idiots and that made me realize that i was in every way better than them. (way to go buddy press f6 to see your crushes name on the screen while you are at it you might as well press f1 to f12 if you are that desperate and better try to be lovable to be loved).

One of my greatest lessons was taught by my parent's well wisher and by far the oldest of the lot who have "interacted" with me. i realized that no matter how old they may be they still can behave like idiots and its not worth it to give respect just because they are older than you. I know I'm not perfect but at least I'm not as lame or idiotic as my benefactors. Why is it that i keep approaching people even when i know that they will betray me or when i know for sure they did have a role to play in my general gloominess?. I don't have an answer for that myself and i don't expect you to answer either because I don't like words like "idiot", "stupid" etc the sort Ive been using for describing my benefactors.

After nearly 2 years I went back to my school one of the most beloved places on earth and here is a picture of the goal post i used to generally hang around.
In many a sunny lunch hour and physical training period i used to lie on the grass (there used to be grass back then) and dream and boy with all those eagles crying and the bright sun hurting my eyes i used to feel like a small cowboy defending my ranch. I told you we live twice once in the moment and the other in retrospection. That was one of the memorable moments in the recent past, strange how some settings change their value over time once it was my refuge from all my classmates and the scheduled life of school, now it has become sort of a stronghold protected from this obnoxious world where i can reach out to my past.
This is lucky one of the last strands that keeps me connected to one of my beloved places on earth.
and buddy don't make me regret that i found solace in you after all, people you like doesn't necessarily mean that you want them in your life and you cant make fun of people who like you, right? in which case the person who likes you has every right to retaliate.

my stint at RK mission has come to an end yesterday and while i was coming back home the rk mission incharge presented me with a small book of vivekananda. one of the people i admire though his rhetoric is mostly religious his patriotism and his progressive ways of thinking about developing his India at a time and age when everybody was either being a coward or a betrayer truly deserves praise and recognition. If it wasnt for his religious views i think he could have reached to a larger educated audience of different sections and would have proved a refreshing inspiration when compared with the sola toupee wearing national leaders of that period. thank you madam for that book I'm gonna cherish it till the end of my life for i personally believe books make the perfect gift.

Loneliness has never been so inviting and promising than now. thank you for everything and farewell till my next post.

of false diagnoses and spluttering starts

hi there everybody here are a few questions that have been running over and over and over and over.............in my head (well I've got nothing much substantial in my hands to keep me occupied other than a flickering computer[i keep begging it not to give up on me while I'm blogging] and a bitch of a bike who keeps "taking me" out for a ride). Now for some sane philosophical questions...

# Does buying a set of newspapers on the day the election results are released by anyway convey an idea that the buyer supports the winning party (for all i know he could be searching for some elusive job [yup happened to yours truly]).

# Can you stop loving someone just because they have a different political view or support someone whom they presume you don't like?.

# If someone did something bad to me even if its at the behest of my parents are they still worthy of a pardon?. now here are some thoughts which may prove detrimental for the above said pardon....
1. I've ceased being a christian the day i came to know i was being taken for a ride.
2. All the accused were of a sound mind and intentionally have taken part in this thing. i question their sanity and common sense they all appeared to be quite sensible the last time i saw them they must have succumbed to the vagaries of time.

Now they expect me to forget everything have a cheerful face and talk as if nothing has happened. The problem is I'm not gifted like them to fake serenity while scheming something devious behind the screens (yup pretty much gonna blow them up all over the place, hehehehe in case you haven't noticed that is the muffled evil laugh of mine).

I've learnt to give the answers they want and I must have become pretty adept at that, deducing by the way they are buying them.
I've also learnt to ignore idiots who appear time and again and try to remind me their role in the great scheme that deprived me of many a sane moment and made me seek revenge (this is for you idiot i came to the Christmas party knowing pretty well whats gonna happen and be careful with my piano).
I've learnt that, they believe the lord almighty has ordained them for protecting my soul and have taken upon themselves the task of moral policing by controlling my computer (islamic fundamentalist countries i believe are more liberal than them and with their help i think i can make it to heaven even with all my transgressions)
They must be really dumb to not recognise till now that i love playing along until it starts bothering me.

I feel like i've reached the fag end of my career and need a much awaited overhaul psychologically. If i was an automobile as i dream sometimes I would be condemned by now taking into consideration all the beatings I've taken but i dont know why I find life so interesting (maybe because of all the varying degrees of insanity i come across randomly) each passing day even when everyday turns out to be pretty predictable. Maybe the little hope that one day I'm gonna have my revenge is what is keeping me going hehehe (the same laugh again). After all these days my enthusiasm doesnt seem to waver and my spirits are at an all time high (speaking of spirits they do play a role in my happiness). As i often say everyman to himself even when he is lying on the bosom of his beloved. we were born alone and we are gonna die that way and every relation inbetween is born out of necessity. My happiness lies in things that people normally ignore while trying to "live" and i believe that has made all the difference the road less travelled.

Now its time for me to practice telekinesis just to shut out this obnoxious world and travel to my shambala. And all you (add expletives for feminine gender) and idiots with those smug grins you are gonna be really sorry. i swear by my aching heart I dont give a damn about what you did for me or if your father is complaining to the police because you are receiving missed calls.

If you can so can I and I will, till then keep smiling. I'm brewing it, the perfect recipe even the devil cant beat it (I'll be filling in his shoes after my death a fact of much consternation to my "christian" parents). They think hell is a place of suffering but as i see they are wrong as always, devils can be happy hehehe.

Apparently emotions and feelings are the only things that are hindrances to a man's happiness but then I'm gonna die an emotional fool with a little twist, my epitaphs gonna read " An emotional fool who had his day of happiness". see ya all in hell. iIii