enlightenment "out of the world kind"

If there is one thing that hasnt changed since I last posted on this blog its my madness infact it has exponentially increased and contributes to the general chaos in my life which is necessary for my existance since everything ordinary appears unsubstantial to me. Every day is "lights on, camera, action " for me where everybody puts up a show either for my benefit or i put up a show to tell them i dont even remotely recognise their antics. But over the years no matter what idiotic things i did intentionaly or unintentionally I've realized that Ive never strayed away from being true to what I wanted to do to the people I love. Maybe I've never been true to myself and now in retrospection life was worth living and being true to myself is loving when and whom and what i wanted rather than loving what someone else wanted me to love. Realization in my context is a cruel thing it hits me right when i Im down and i can do nothing about something. Life has always been about those "tumki" (all rights reserved) revelations you get when you are with people who look shallow at the first sight but have a geat insight into life and are more benevolent and sweet than temple and church going people who appear pious and down to earth but are actually trying to get the next bigger better deal.

I've had my 26th bday popup and i went on a long ride and a gruelling introspection revealed that escapism is no way to live so here i am wiser with a few hairs lost to sleepless nights and a job that gives me a sunshine every midnight, an oppurtunity to revel in love that I've so far faked for people (read as my mom et. al.) with people i hated the most around me. Life is a journey and along with making sacrifices for the people I love I"ve added another thought to influence my every action from now on and that is "of what worth is it when you just leave the things that you love just because you think you cant fight back or just because time and money dictate that its against their will to let you revel in a companionship that youve till now faked never existed for the benefit of people who wanted such a thing to happen."

On a more sober philosophical note we all seem to pray to Gods and Godesses who find our prayers and offerings appealing and then blindly insist on executing their will without the slightest regard for what we plead or beg for. Its funny that we tell ourselves everything works out for our good, we always get something better than what we have lost now but why is that we never ask ourselves that the almighty can never turn what we like into something good too for us and make changes in his will so that he can include what we like to work out for us?. this leaves me with 3 possibilities either 1) God doesnt care what we ask for, its just that we inherently owe him and he is least liable to give us what we ask for 2) We give up too early because we never really cared for it in the first place and had second options ready as we doubt him and change our priorities in he first hint of a failure (common who wants to be a "failure" and for a life time? a definite no no for life here is all about being successful idiots and nitwits who give in to paper to whom we ourselves have attributed value to) 3) God is just a figment of our imagination to whom we attribute all super powers and see him as a miracle maker when in reality he doesnt involve in earthly affairs and just lets us depend on our wits and conscience to make it through this worldly life and then judges accordingly and compensates appropriately in which case I'd rather die trying for something that I really love than live a lie. I dont want my epitaph to read "wonderful human being, a good husband and a caring father but a liar unto himself" I'd rather have my epitaph read "packet returned unopened. p.s: no takers"

Call me selfish if you will I dont want to tell the truth for I really know I've been true to the thought that A sacrifice for the people you love is worth even if it costs a life i dont blame people for misunderstanding me. My life did make ambiguous statements for the benefit of my mom i paid the price and moving on in my life only means following my new revelation "of what worth is it when you just leave the things that you love just because you think you cant fight back or just because time and money dictate that its against their will to let you revel in a companionship that youve till now faked never existed for the benefit of people who wanted such a thing to happen.". I know Im fighting a losing battle but the almighty can never judge me for Ive been no coward, been true to myself and most of all he didnt find a place for my thoughts in his will. Unworthy i may be I am still standing and fighting for i know i lose the day i give up and i hope he realizes that a competent adversary is better than an incompetent friend. I rest my case.................

if only tears were laughter if only night was day if only prayers were answered..............

Had a hard time sleeping. people don't be so judgmental please i really don't care if you want to think so but i think i have the right to defend myself. I'm no God to understand something without somebody telling it and after feeling betrayed do you really think i can believe someone when they try to convey me something through secret signs (that includes my parents) i mean when I don't really know what their intentions are? (is it for hurting me to change me or to help me?).

I'd rather show the world that I'm happy to get hurt by someone whom i know will hurt me than by someone whose intentions i never know could make out.

Nobody tells me anything and people start acting strangely around me and now they think i know everything seriously people how can you be so biased cut me some slack here will you?. there was very little i knew and that was by guesswork and that very little was not so believable to me because even my most trusted friend, brother acted strangely. I don't know how many people I have hurt in this process but I was hurt the most and if you still insist on doing that go ahead you cant kill a dead donkey.

people one last time you tell me something I'll believe it, you don't i don't and there is very little left in me that pleads me to be sane and rational. with all of you around i found solace in people whom i had only memories of. maybe everyone isn't like me in getting hurt in order to prove my love or adoration.

How hard is it for you to understand that no one ever told me anything and i knew nothing and even with my guesswork i wasn't ready to believe after all that has happened even now i have problems but i go on because any pleas i make will fall on deaf ears and all you people out there are hell bent on accomplishing a benevolent task of helping me finding my footing but that seems to have cost more than it ever required thanks to your understanding and my foolishness in thinking that just because you talk to me makes you believable just because you act like you care makes you trustworthy. I understand that you are not so cheap as to make ambiguous statements its me who foolishly misunderstands them. God help me If ever there is one.

this blog here has done me much good than any of my friends combined and once i make my thoughts clear ill act as required apparently some of my family members respect me because of my age i never realized that I've grown so old. and everyone will get their returns i swear by my heart. i love you bloggy and forgot telling you talking here has brought remarkable revelations than talking to any of my deaf friends I rest my case life has never been so gloomy I mean beautiful.