It is so wonderful to be alive, kicking, throbbing and fighting to take in those ever evading gulps of breath that sustain your myriad of thoughts and emotions and to feel those beautiful raindrops on your head that remind you time and again there is one more reason to live. Life so fascinates me that it appears worthwhile living with all its inherent sadness, problems (my bottle ran dry and i haven't got a single penny on me) difficulties. I rest my case and I think this answers my hanging onto life in spite of the ever looming death and mankind's funny fancy for death. I don't know why my parents have retained my internet connection but its like retaining the last connection i have with this world my last ray of hope and lifeline.
Coming to my so called "friends" They think that you stop loving someone just because that someone has small boobs or belongs to some caste etc people people if i was that shallow i wouldn't have given you so many chances to make fun of me again and again.
Speaking for myself, maybe we never stop loving someone we just stop showing it because we feel betrayed, used, being made fun of or maybe when we realize that people want it to be expressed even when they have no idea of acknowledging it.
Coming to my parents If hurting changes me I think I've changed a long time ago when promises were'nt kept or when i was forced to confess things that i neither knew existed nor knew the meaning of. I have no more tears to cry or space left for me to change. All i have is a wretched life that is gasping for sustenance. I had a secret longing that the people I loved and believed in, acknowledged me as I am, alas those hopes have been dashed too. Everyone has the intelligence to arrange for a reply for everything i write here but are not intelligent enough to understand their own friend/brother/son. I've got nothing more to say except that everything that has happened will never be forgotten nor will anybody be forgiven as life for me is lived twice once in the moment and the other in retrospection. I've got no more tears to cry and all i can do is retaliate for all these years of sorrow that I've masked with plastic smiles in the hopes of finding atleast one person true to my heart that i can confide in.
Dear parents I know I failed you, I know i let you down, I know I'm a disgrace to your family and an abomination to your religion in many ways than one but you should be ashamed of yourselves in trying to manipulate me by using religion or by using women to lure me to do something, that shows your integrity, how low you can stoop, bend the rules and make fun of your own beliefs. I know I'm not perfect but at least i don't make fun of what i believe in.
I don't know what keeps me going with all the emotional turmoil I go through everyday but its doing a good job of prolonging a few more moments of my wretched life and I'm soaking in every moment even with all the tears for I know not when this suffering ends and I'm no fool to "move on" in life and lose its very essence and even with all my tears (men aren't supposed to cry?) I have to grudgingly agree that life is beautiful no matter what.
................the poem ends soft as it began
I loved my friend....................
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