perils untold future foretold

Everybody keeps talking about suicide and death in my face. I know what awaits me in the near future. My death has been so meticulously choreographed that it leaves me no way out. I dont know what stopped the all knowing God from telling my prayerful parents the truth. I dont know what made him allow all that has been done to me. I cant escape the truth neither can I live with it. I love her but she doesnt even want to acknowledge me. I know I'm being punished. Neither do I want to hurt her nor do I want to hurt myself and therein lies the whole problem. If this is how the world and God works then Id better prepare to leave than hurt someone for my happiness. I think Ive sacrificed my whole life for others happiness and at the end Im leaving as an idiot a schizophrenic who thinks everybody is onto him everybody is trying to change or hurt him. Ive got no more words after all these years theres not a single soul whom I can call friend who can really understand me or help me out here. i knew my cries of help will go in vain since the days I was in russia for it was me who carved my path and doomed my future. I knew I would be dying a lonely death. so much for freewill I cant make somebody love me. Not much time left and its as if Ive got nothing more to accomplish. I wont stop till the last day but i know Im losing ...... pretty fast and no saviour in sight. I would be a classical example for all those christian idiots who were responsible for my misery in the first place now they want me to pray to a God who couldnt tell them the truth who couldnt give them enough reasoning to understand their own son. Its a battle lost from the day one and sometimes we need to call it quits and Ill do it soon. Now they want to paint a picture of her as a person of loose character so that i can forget her and get on with my life If only my life was as easy as their imaginations. Im afraid to leave this beautiful world but they leave me no choice. farewell till my next post