HOPE AND AGAIN STUPID HOPE

Here we are

In the middle of the night

Reaching out for stars

That shine for us so bright

We know its all a beautiful lie

They twinkle they shine

Peep through the darkest clouds

And make us feel fine

They are out of our reach

But make us reach out

Through all eternity

Hope wins over sane doubt

There aint no God in the voids above

There aint no peace, there aint no love

But we listen to human hope preach

Silently saying its just in our reach

Every passing moment we know

Is one moment too near

I would rather not see

The truth though very clear

I will hold on, fight on, stand firm

Through all the cloudy night skies

Though they may shine for only a term

And let one of them die before my eyes

I would rather believe in immortality

of falling stars and wishes

This is my first post after coming to this land and the change in geography hasn't been much of a help to my general well being and my mind is as blank as ever. Its like I'm on drugs without the pacifying effect of relaxation and euphoria, its hard for me to even compose the simplest of sentences to describe the deep dark blankness that encompasses me now at this moment. I'm an automaton responding to external stimuli in the logical way possible with nothing whatsoever effecting my general blankness. I'm good as dead and all the people i see around look like they are desperately hanging onto life and making faces as if they are enjoying every moment of it while I know its a big farce. The biggest thing that astounds me time and again is why do people stereotype and what makes them think that all people follow their survival instincts, hormones and respond expectedly to known stimuli. I know I'm living against my wishes doing what I don't what to do knowing that people around me are putting up a show to teach me about life one of these days when I think I've had enough I'll just hang up my boots and walk out in a dignified way. Every minute I'm waiting for that glorious moment of enlightenment when the ills of this world conquer my ubiquitous love of life and helps me cut loose to float freely into the void. Till then I'll be playing my part on the stage with my mask on, smiling and waving knowing it could be the next moment that the curtain falls and I'll exit smiling.

perils untold future foretold

Everybody keeps talking about suicide and death in my face. I know what awaits me in the near future. My death has been so meticulously choreographed that it leaves me no way out. I dont know what stopped the all knowing God from telling my prayerful parents the truth. I dont know what made him allow all that has been done to me. I cant escape the truth neither can I live with it. I love her but she doesnt even want to acknowledge me. I know I'm being punished. Neither do I want to hurt her nor do I want to hurt myself and therein lies the whole problem. If this is how the world and God works then Id better prepare to leave than hurt someone for my happiness. I think Ive sacrificed my whole life for others happiness and at the end Im leaving as an idiot a schizophrenic who thinks everybody is onto him everybody is trying to change or hurt him. Ive got no more words after all these years theres not a single soul whom I can call friend who can really understand me or help me out here. i knew my cries of help will go in vain since the days I was in russia for it was me who carved my path and doomed my future. I knew I would be dying a lonely death. so much for freewill I cant make somebody love me. Not much time left and its as if Ive got nothing more to accomplish. I wont stop till the last day but i know Im losing ...... pretty fast and no saviour in sight. I would be a classical example for all those christian idiots who were responsible for my misery in the first place now they want me to pray to a God who couldnt tell them the truth who couldnt give them enough reasoning to understand their own son. Its a battle lost from the day one and sometimes we need to call it quits and Ill do it soon. Now they want to paint a picture of her as a person of loose character so that i can forget her and get on with my life If only my life was as easy as their imaginations. Im afraid to leave this beautiful world but they leave me no choice. farewell till my next post

HOMEWARDBOUND AND STRANDED

Got stranded in korukonda railway station, vizianagaram district at 1am. Fell asleep in the last leg of my journey from vijayawada to vizag and had to get down out of a moving train at korukonda only to be enlightened that no passenger trains stop there at nights. Im literally stranded with two station staff and three mongrels who growl at every moment of mine and a tiny british cottage a pathetic excuse for a station but picture perfect to me. The dim lights, the occasional ding of a bell of the archaic machinery has transported me back to the bygone times, truly a beautiful experience. Its all in your perspective. To compliment the ambience there is an Avery weighing machine from 1892 in the station and it had a stamp that said it was the property of the erstwhile Bengal Nagpur Railway. Wish I had a camera with me to capture the moment. Tomorrow I may not even remember this moment, but as of now Im thoroughly soaking in every sight and sound. Life is so fascinating especially when you are in love.

I'd giv nythin 2 c u again

This is one of my favourite songs which truly captures my anguish

I've had bad dreams too many times,

to think that they don't mean much any more.

Fine times have gone and left my sad home,

friends who once cared just walk out my door.

Love has no pride when I call out your name.

Love has no pride when there's no one left to blame.

I'd give anything to see you again.

I've been alone too many nights

to think that you could come back again.

But I've heard you talk: "He's crazy to stay."

But this love hurts me so, I don't care what you say.

If I could buy your love, I'd truly try my friend.

And if I could pray, my prayer would never end.

But if you want me to beg, I'll fall down on my knees;

asking for you to come back...

I'd be pleading for you to come back...

beggin for you to come back to me.