if only tears were laughter if only night was day if only prayers were answered..............

Had a hard time sleeping. people don't be so judgmental please i really don't care if you want to think so but i think i have the right to defend myself. I'm no God to understand something without somebody telling it and after feeling betrayed do you really think i can believe someone when they try to convey me something through secret signs (that includes my parents) i mean when I don't really know what their intentions are? (is it for hurting me to change me or to help me?).

I'd rather show the world that I'm happy to get hurt by someone whom i know will hurt me than by someone whose intentions i never know could make out.

Nobody tells me anything and people start acting strangely around me and now they think i know everything seriously people how can you be so biased cut me some slack here will you?. there was very little i knew and that was by guesswork and that very little was not so believable to me because even my most trusted friend, brother acted strangely. I don't know how many people I have hurt in this process but I was hurt the most and if you still insist on doing that go ahead you cant kill a dead donkey.

people one last time you tell me something I'll believe it, you don't i don't and there is very little left in me that pleads me to be sane and rational. with all of you around i found solace in people whom i had only memories of. maybe everyone isn't like me in getting hurt in order to prove my love or adoration.

How hard is it for you to understand that no one ever told me anything and i knew nothing and even with my guesswork i wasn't ready to believe after all that has happened even now i have problems but i go on because any pleas i make will fall on deaf ears and all you people out there are hell bent on accomplishing a benevolent task of helping me finding my footing but that seems to have cost more than it ever required thanks to your understanding and my foolishness in thinking that just because you talk to me makes you believable just because you act like you care makes you trustworthy. I understand that you are not so cheap as to make ambiguous statements its me who foolishly misunderstands them. God help me If ever there is one.

this blog here has done me much good than any of my friends combined and once i make my thoughts clear ill act as required apparently some of my family members respect me because of my age i never realized that I've grown so old. and everyone will get their returns i swear by my heart. i love you bloggy and forgot telling you talking here has brought remarkable revelations than talking to any of my deaf friends I rest my case life has never been so gloomy I mean beautiful.

its only words and words are all i have

Had a hard time sleeping. people don't be so judgmental please i really don't care if you want to think so but i think i have the right to defend myself. I'm no God to understand something without somebody telling it and after feeling betrayed do you really think i can believe someone when they try to convey me something through secret signs (that includes my parents) i mean when I dont really know what their intentions are? (is it for hurting me to change me or to help me?).

I'd rather show the world that im happy to be cheated by someone whom i know will cheat me than by someone whose intentions i never know (revenge or hurting me?).

Nobody tells me anything and people start acting strangely around me and now they think i know everything seriously people how can you be so biased cut me some slack here will you?. there was very little i knew and that was by guesswork and that very little was not so believable to me because even my most trusted friend, brother acted strangely. I dont know how many people I have hurted in this process but I was hurt the most and if you still insist on doing that go ahead you cant kill a dead donkey.

people one last time you tell me something I'll believe it, you dont i dont and there is very little left in me that pleads me to be sane and rational. with all of you around i found solace in people whom i had only memories of. maybe everyone isnt like me in getting hurt in order to prove my love or adoration.

How hard is it for you to understand that noone ever told me anything and i knew nothing and even with my guesswork i wasnt ready to believe after all that has happened even now i have problems but i go on because any pleas i make will fall on deaf ears and all you people out there are hell bent on accomplishing a benevolent task of helping me finding my footing but that seems to have cost more than it ever required thanks to your understanding and my foolishness in thinking that just because you talk to me makes you believable just because you act like you care makes you trustworthy. I understand that you are not so cheap as to make ambiguous statements its me who foolishly misunderstands them. God help me If ever there is one.

if and only if

Going by the fact that this blog here affects my life in a gazillion ways than one, like the celestial bodies above and the entrails of a duck I might have to sacrifice literary brilliance for political correctness for the kind perusal of my benefactors. so here goes............

..............................the poem ends soft as it began
I love my friend.....................................................

and I'vent got much left in my head except for periods of blankness that encompasses everything though weird, for my mind never stays still I find it comforting as I'm unintentionally shutting out this world. every darkest night has a shining ray every endless night has a dawning day and it shines on you ..........well I'm not able to see that............

we live twice once in the moment and the other in retrospection

It is so wonderful to be alive, kicking, throbbing and fighting to take in those ever evading gulps of breath that sustain your myriad of thoughts and emotions and to feel those beautiful raindrops on your head that remind you time and again there is one more reason to live. Life so fascinates me that it appears worthwhile living with all its inherent sadness, problems (my bottle ran dry and i haven't got a single penny on me) difficulties. I rest my case and I think this answers my hanging onto life in spite of the ever looming death and mankind's funny fancy for death. I don't know why my parents have retained my internet connection but its like retaining the last connection i have with this world my last ray of hope and lifeline.

Coming to my so called "friends" They think that you stop loving someone just because that someone has small boobs or belongs to some caste etc people people if i was that shallow i wouldn't have given you so many chances to make fun of me again and again.

Speaking for myself, maybe we never stop loving someone we just stop showing it because we feel betrayed, used, being made fun of or maybe when we realize that people want it to be expressed even when they have no idea of acknowledging it.

Coming to my parents If hurting changes me I think I've changed a long time ago when promises were'nt kept or when i was forced to confess things that i neither knew existed nor knew the meaning of. I have no more tears to cry or space left for me to change. All i have is a wretched life that is gasping for sustenance. I had a secret longing that the people I loved and believed in, acknowledged me as I am, alas those hopes have been dashed too. Everyone has the intelligence to arrange for a reply for everything i write here but are not intelligent enough to understand their own friend/brother/son. I've got nothing more to say except that everything that has happened will never be forgotten nor will anybody be forgiven as life for me is lived twice once in the moment and the other in retrospection. I've got no more tears to cry and all i can do is retaliate for all these years of sorrow that I've masked with plastic smiles in the hopes of finding atleast one person true to my heart that i can confide in.

Dear parents I know I failed you, I know i let you down, I know I'm a disgrace to your family and an abomination to your religion in many ways than one but you should be ashamed of yourselves in trying to manipulate me by using religion or by using women to lure me to do something, that shows your integrity, how low you can stoop, bend the rules and make fun of your own beliefs. I know I'm not perfect but at least i don't make fun of what i believe in.

I don't know what keeps me going with all the emotional turmoil I go through everyday but its doing a good job of prolonging a few more moments of my wretched life and I'm soaking in every moment even with all the tears for I know not when this suffering ends and I'm no fool to "move on" in life and lose its very essence and even with all my tears (men aren't supposed to cry?) I have to grudgingly agree that life is beautiful no matter what.

................the poem ends soft as it began
I loved my friend....................