Sometimes its so lonely even with a room full of people

Its been quite a while since my last post, the creative juices have gone dry. No affliction could bring them back I guess. The only reason I still survive is of my stupid heart but by the day hope seems to wane. Looks like it miht not be long before the sun sets but till then my foolish heart sings, sings like there is no tomorrow.

religious bigotry

All Gods ever put forward by religions extinct and extant are false, bigoted, bloodthirsty monsters created and modified according to their needs by maniacal, scheming, cunning humans, but then why should all this bother a sane human being and make him completely aloof to the possibility of a better God in existance who has not yet been found? who loves all human beings irrespective of their birth credentials and thinks that everything is right as long as you are not hurting humans who may be affected by your actions in a good or adverse way. Given the all pervasive reach of religions its not that hard to achieve world peace its just that they do not teach equality irrespective of birth, colour, creed and beliefs.

Look back before you leave because once you leave you can never look back and once you look back you can never leave.

We have the power to do good as much as to do evil, its just that we choose to do evil so regularly that we are almost incapable of doing any good. 

strange muses

Proverbs are like organised religion, they have a line for every outcome of every situation. Good as literature bad for real life.



The problem with ''us'' is we try to change according to the world, instead of changing the world according to us.

HOPE AND AGAIN STUPID HOPE

Here we are

In the middle of the night

Reaching out for stars

That shine for us so bright

We know its all a beautiful lie

They twinkle they shine

Peep through the darkest clouds

And make us feel fine

They are out of our reach

But make us reach out

Through all eternity

Hope wins over sane doubt

There aint no God in the voids above

There aint no peace, there aint no love

But we listen to human hope preach

Silently saying its just in our reach

Every passing moment we know

Is one moment too near

I would rather not see

The truth though very clear

I will hold on, fight on, stand firm

Through all the cloudy night skies

Though they may shine for only a term

And let one of them die before my eyes

I would rather believe in immortality

of falling stars and wishes

This is my first post after coming to this land and the change in geography hasn't been much of a help to my general well being and my mind is as blank as ever. Its like I'm on drugs without the pacifying effect of relaxation and euphoria, its hard for me to even compose the simplest of sentences to describe the deep dark blankness that encompasses me now at this moment. I'm an automaton responding to external stimuli in the logical way possible with nothing whatsoever effecting my general blankness. I'm good as dead and all the people i see around look like they are desperately hanging onto life and making faces as if they are enjoying every moment of it while I know its a big farce. The biggest thing that astounds me time and again is why do people stereotype and what makes them think that all people follow their survival instincts, hormones and respond expectedly to known stimuli. I know I'm living against my wishes doing what I don't what to do knowing that people around me are putting up a show to teach me about life one of these days when I think I've had enough I'll just hang up my boots and walk out in a dignified way. Every minute I'm waiting for that glorious moment of enlightenment when the ills of this world conquer my ubiquitous love of life and helps me cut loose to float freely into the void. Till then I'll be playing my part on the stage with my mask on, smiling and waving knowing it could be the next moment that the curtain falls and I'll exit smiling.

perils untold future foretold

Everybody keeps talking about suicide and death in my face. I know what awaits me in the near future. My death has been so meticulously choreographed that it leaves me no way out. I dont know what stopped the all knowing God from telling my prayerful parents the truth. I dont know what made him allow all that has been done to me. I cant escape the truth neither can I live with it. I love her but she doesnt even want to acknowledge me. I know I'm being punished. Neither do I want to hurt her nor do I want to hurt myself and therein lies the whole problem. If this is how the world and God works then Id better prepare to leave than hurt someone for my happiness. I think Ive sacrificed my whole life for others happiness and at the end Im leaving as an idiot a schizophrenic who thinks everybody is onto him everybody is trying to change or hurt him. Ive got no more words after all these years theres not a single soul whom I can call friend who can really understand me or help me out here. i knew my cries of help will go in vain since the days I was in russia for it was me who carved my path and doomed my future. I knew I would be dying a lonely death. so much for freewill I cant make somebody love me. Not much time left and its as if Ive got nothing more to accomplish. I wont stop till the last day but i know Im losing ...... pretty fast and no saviour in sight. I would be a classical example for all those christian idiots who were responsible for my misery in the first place now they want me to pray to a God who couldnt tell them the truth who couldnt give them enough reasoning to understand their own son. Its a battle lost from the day one and sometimes we need to call it quits and Ill do it soon. Now they want to paint a picture of her as a person of loose character so that i can forget her and get on with my life If only my life was as easy as their imaginations. Im afraid to leave this beautiful world but they leave me no choice. farewell till my next post

HOMEWARDBOUND AND STRANDED

Got stranded in korukonda railway station, vizianagaram district at 1am. Fell asleep in the last leg of my journey from vijayawada to vizag and had to get down out of a moving train at korukonda only to be enlightened that no passenger trains stop there at nights. Im literally stranded with two station staff and three mongrels who growl at every moment of mine and a tiny british cottage a pathetic excuse for a station but picture perfect to me. The dim lights, the occasional ding of a bell of the archaic machinery has transported me back to the bygone times, truly a beautiful experience. Its all in your perspective. To compliment the ambience there is an Avery weighing machine from 1892 in the station and it had a stamp that said it was the property of the erstwhile Bengal Nagpur Railway. Wish I had a camera with me to capture the moment. Tomorrow I may not even remember this moment, but as of now Im thoroughly soaking in every sight and sound. Life is so fascinating especially when you are in love.

I'd giv nythin 2 c u again

This is one of my favourite songs which truly captures my anguish

I've had bad dreams too many times,

to think that they don't mean much any more.

Fine times have gone and left my sad home,

friends who once cared just walk out my door.

Love has no pride when I call out your name.

Love has no pride when there's no one left to blame.

I'd give anything to see you again.

I've been alone too many nights

to think that you could come back again.

But I've heard you talk: "He's crazy to stay."

But this love hurts me so, I don't care what you say.

If I could buy your love, I'd truly try my friend.

And if I could pray, my prayer would never end.

But if you want me to beg, I'll fall down on my knees;

asking for you to come back...

I'd be pleading for you to come back...

beggin for you to come back to me.

dreams are my reality

If ever there was a hope

I found it in you

But the way you bowed down

to this earthly race

has left me broken

and killed my last breath

now I live dead in you

an autumn leaf a rolling stone

Ill stop the day my life ends

like the wind and the brooks

Till then my journey continues

no place to go no hope to cling

and this poem fades soft as it began

the only hope i have is in you

false hopes

im gonna ride the sorrow railroad

down to that gloomy yonder town

time called and you never did hold

its down the track for me alone

The wheels lost their rhythm

the meadows their smells

its all soot and smoke

with tears that run and choke

i know it aint easy

to let you go

but time is just that way

never hears the plans we share

and the little secrets we hold

nor does see the dreams

or the future we foretold

I know its gonna be lonely

down to the end of the line

but ill hold on for i know

youll be waiting there for me

ill kiss your sweet face

promise never to let you go

for time can never touch us

nor does sorrow cold

for Ill have you in my heart

and there aint no place for more

LONGING

Eternal silence

Tender soft and sweet

In the darkness silently creep

To my stead for me

Sweet are the last gulps of breathe

Sweet are life's memories too

But don't let me turn back

for theres nothing left to be true

My life's been wasted

and my love too

Now here I wait

To hear thy muffled footsteps

To discern thy shape in the darkness

and the glint of thy scythe

Conceal me in thy mighty embrace

and as you leave

Let me go with you

BEAUTY OF A TEAR

Every word here is a lie
for truth is never told with beautiful words
Every tear "disappears" it exists in oblivion
for theres no beauty in its existance
Only sunny days and blooming flowers
ever capture the imagination
gloomy days and streaky cheeks
never find the light of words
for who finds beauty in suffering


Life is a race from the word go
to escape death and pain
knowing not ironically its just a trap
we end up in their embrace
while running away from them
only "fools" stay back to touch and feel
death and pain are just as real
Feel for they stop being what they are
and become just a part of life
In the quest for the meaning of life
and life after death
everybody loses perspective
while fools die a peaceful death
the enlightened turn in their graves
for not being fools

down the road

My heart succumbed

to a lonely open road

like tender to fire

a melancholic fancy

for a glowing death

traversing ignoring the doom

that awaits at the end

stopping at every corner every turn

reliving the memories that hide

behind milestones tantalisingly

every mile marker

a pain a pleasure

upto you to stop and hold

or let them dissapear

in the darkness following you

DOWN THE ROAD

every lonely heart succumbs

a lonely open road

midnight showers

ive been waiting for some rain for two days now but it looks like its not gonna happen anytime soon. i love rainy nights. nights make me feel like that it is raining just for my happiness. to get drenched, smelling the sweet smell of the earth and then feeling that all that is just for you is heady and it makes me all poetic and religious. common i never said i dont believe in God. i had a beautiful drive back home just me and the empty road in the rain. well i got a bonus with the rain, empty roads, the normally busy beach road looked deserted and did i tell you loneliness makes me feel that the whole world and all its beauty has been created for me?...... i love a rainy night such a wonderful sight..... wish it would atleast tomorrow

the emptiness hurts my senses

Not a cloud on the horizon
Yet not a sun in my skies
My moon weathered away
and my last star streaked out
The dust dissapears from under my feet
and Im suspended in emptiness
My only hope is the darkness of the void
with which my heart still holds
going beyond the end the moment it loses
Where unembraced love finds solace in eternal silence

Even a broken clock gets to be right twice a day

The irony of life is people try to influence you to become something in life but they never have the faintest idea of what they are asking you to do, and just because you love them and wait for instructions to do what they want to do they think you are a loser and they need to change you by doing things that scar you for the rest of your life,making you think was it really worth it that you thought about them in the first place and the answer is a bitter no that reverberates through your senses and shakes you to the core. If inflicting pain can change people then it will definitely change but not me because I dont want to lose in life one more time just because you wanted me to just because you dont have the faintest idea of what next to do with my life and hence blame me for being a failure. I'd rather die trying.

enlightenment "out of the world kind"

If there is one thing that hasnt changed since I last posted on this blog its my madness infact it has exponentially increased and contributes to the general chaos in my life which is necessary for my existance since everything ordinary appears unsubstantial to me. Every day is "lights on, camera, action " for me where everybody puts up a show either for my benefit or i put up a show to tell them i dont even remotely recognise their antics. But over the years no matter what idiotic things i did intentionaly or unintentionally I've realized that Ive never strayed away from being true to what I wanted to do to the people I love. Maybe I've never been true to myself and now in retrospection life was worth living and being true to myself is loving when and whom and what i wanted rather than loving what someone else wanted me to love. Realization in my context is a cruel thing it hits me right when i Im down and i can do nothing about something. Life has always been about those "tumki" (all rights reserved) revelations you get when you are with people who look shallow at the first sight but have a geat insight into life and are more benevolent and sweet than temple and church going people who appear pious and down to earth but are actually trying to get the next bigger better deal.

I've had my 26th bday popup and i went on a long ride and a gruelling introspection revealed that escapism is no way to live so here i am wiser with a few hairs lost to sleepless nights and a job that gives me a sunshine every midnight, an oppurtunity to revel in love that I've so far faked for people (read as my mom et. al.) with people i hated the most around me. Life is a journey and along with making sacrifices for the people I love I"ve added another thought to influence my every action from now on and that is "of what worth is it when you just leave the things that you love just because you think you cant fight back or just because time and money dictate that its against their will to let you revel in a companionship that youve till now faked never existed for the benefit of people who wanted such a thing to happen."

On a more sober philosophical note we all seem to pray to Gods and Godesses who find our prayers and offerings appealing and then blindly insist on executing their will without the slightest regard for what we plead or beg for. Its funny that we tell ourselves everything works out for our good, we always get something better than what we have lost now but why is that we never ask ourselves that the almighty can never turn what we like into something good too for us and make changes in his will so that he can include what we like to work out for us?. this leaves me with 3 possibilities either 1) God doesnt care what we ask for, its just that we inherently owe him and he is least liable to give us what we ask for 2) We give up too early because we never really cared for it in the first place and had second options ready as we doubt him and change our priorities in he first hint of a failure (common who wants to be a "failure" and for a life time? a definite no no for life here is all about being successful idiots and nitwits who give in to paper to whom we ourselves have attributed value to) 3) God is just a figment of our imagination to whom we attribute all super powers and see him as a miracle maker when in reality he doesnt involve in earthly affairs and just lets us depend on our wits and conscience to make it through this worldly life and then judges accordingly and compensates appropriately in which case I'd rather die trying for something that I really love than live a lie. I dont want my epitaph to read "wonderful human being, a good husband and a caring father but a liar unto himself" I'd rather have my epitaph read "packet returned unopened. p.s: no takers"

Call me selfish if you will I dont want to tell the truth for I really know I've been true to the thought that A sacrifice for the people you love is worth even if it costs a life i dont blame people for misunderstanding me. My life did make ambiguous statements for the benefit of my mom i paid the price and moving on in my life only means following my new revelation "of what worth is it when you just leave the things that you love just because you think you cant fight back or just because time and money dictate that its against their will to let you revel in a companionship that youve till now faked never existed for the benefit of people who wanted such a thing to happen.". I know Im fighting a losing battle but the almighty can never judge me for Ive been no coward, been true to myself and most of all he didnt find a place for my thoughts in his will. Unworthy i may be I am still standing and fighting for i know i lose the day i give up and i hope he realizes that a competent adversary is better than an incompetent friend. I rest my case.................

miseries of a misfit

What extremes do we go for a better life?. I went to Hyderabad to attend the IELTS examination and i had an inner awakening an awakening that was brought about by the sensory input ranging from what I'm used to, to the insane, at the fringes of my perception.
To begin with the train ride was beautiful as always especially the section from nidadhavol which was unelectrified and hence needed a diesel engine just like the old times. I'm a total sucker for anything that moves on rails. i woke up to a glorious morning as my train was pulling into secunderabad. I got a room for a measly 200 ru which was remarkably clean and would have been too small for comfort for anyone else other than me. I dont know why i feel claustrophobic in a park with people around but sleep peacefully in a matchbox now thats a thinker for you to figure out. the room ended where it began near the door.
Secunderabad was a riot of colours and smells with navratri around but i believe it would have been the same on any day with crowds of people everywhere. The first few hours were overwhelming to my senses but gradually it grew on me and by the second day i was comfortable enough to try the MMTS train but they shoved me off the train or maybe I was'nt hyderabadi enough to secure a foothold on the train.
The most beautiful thing about hyderabad was the number of choices the consumers had from roadside knick knack selling hawkers to billion dollar car showrooms, it had the extremes and everything inbetween. the people there were ready to seize any oppurtunity to sell something that would otherwise seem foolish, like the guy who tried to sell me a surgical mask as protection for swine flu now thats what i call enterpreneurship and those guys dont need any fancy degree to survive and thrive, they are more shrewd than all of the billionares in this world combined case in point i got me a fancy belt for 80 ru which was actually offered for 160 ru and nothing less. By day two i was enjoying myself after partially regaining my senses which were shutdown by the sensory overload but living and working in a city like that is a big no no for me. as of now I'm quite pleased with my humble abode.
Tomorrow I'll be distributing my resume in the hopes of getting a job. On that note I'll take leave and very queerly i made myself a list "things to buy" though it has only one thing on it right now a DSLR camera till then happy grainy pictures.